Being aware.

So I'm two days late on my weekly blog--but that's okay...right? I've recently enjoyed most of a Sam Adams Light and half of "W." on this delightful Patriot Day. Don't know what Patriot Day is? It's September 11th silly! And as I sit in my all-American lawn chair that is acting as a chair to my all-American (okay, half-Polish) dining room table drinking my all-American beer in my all-American state, I can't help but think about...sticky situations. I recently had a conversation about just how difficult life is; it's hard to figure out. You're not sure where to turn or how to make the right decisions--you just know that a decision has got to be made. I'm finding out more and more about the stuff that builds your character, that thick, rugged stuff that you stick to (and sticks to you) as you maintain your integrity.

Randomly, I am reminded a question I queried myself a few hours ago--"what's the point?" Why, even at all, sometimes, most times. Right now. It's like, I know I am a strong person, but I don't think I've really come to know and feel how that strength is built. But I think I'm feeling it, with every moment that passes and I can give myself a thumbs-up for sticking with myself, I feel that strength growing, and its nurturing me. Today, I'm down to 151 lbs--11 lbs from the end of summer. I'm excited about being determined and seeing the positive results from that determination. I'm glad to be getting me together, especially after I felt (recently) all worlds fall apart. But my world is as I build it, and (sadly, sometimes) it only exists in my head. That means all the pain that enraptured me two weeks ago was a reaction, yes. But it was sustained by my imagination...just like my previous romantic relationship was sustained by my hopeful delusions. So now, on that front, too, I am determined not to make the same assumptions that so blissfully inebriated (a tippler leaning against the sun) me; I know nothing about our love, after all, no matter how much I want to. I know/knew me; the rest is fantasy. Sanity is being aware of that other than yourself.