Today: 5/6

I tried to explain the research project packet. The students kept chattering, as if I wasn't saying a word. They didn't get the entire packet like 3/4 pd did. The thought crossed my mind to just give up. But then I remembered that these kids needed my best. I fought through it, an made up a new behavior management--the "HOMEWORK" strategy.

They weren't too happy about it.

But they quieted down.

I need a whole different game plan for them.

Ethical Dilemma

Take One! wants me to choose a class (or set of students?) to focus on for my portfolio entries (or just entry? I should read more). But I'm faced with a slight ethical dilemma.

On one hand, I really want this portfolio to show off what I do well. I want it to highlight what I do competently. I am secretly worried, I guess secretly hope that I could do this without video, or at least without my skin on. I wish I could know who's going to watch this so I could call them out on their bias when I see the twitch in their brow. Because, yes, I realize I'm harsh to I. K. because he's Black and he responds to stern words. I see it when I speak quickly and matter-of-factly and a secret smile forms between his cheeks. I don't want my behavior to be viewed negatively based on somebody else's bias!

I digress.

But on one hand, I want to use my 5/6 class, the most motivated and engaged bunch of them all. I can do fun, exciting things with them and they are always there to challenge me. To make me stop and think when I don't have it quite right. And I love that, and I think that really shows my strengths as an educator---well, at least a facilitator.

But on the other hand, I wonder if my 7/8 class would benefit more from a more concentrated look at my practice with them. They are by far the lowest-performing class. And I sort of feel that it's my fault. That I just sort of give up on them. That when I get to the end of the day, all my energy and original thought is just gone, and I just sort of slouch through the periods. And so many of them need targeted help and I'm just not organized enough, and don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher to really help them reach our Big Goal.

I don't want to feel guilty, but I don't want to feel like I'm missing out.

First Furlough

Today I woke up to the first furlough. It was calm, a little balmy. And my first thought was, "I can't go to work today." I thought of my students who've been long awake by now, cooking breakfast, dressing little brothers and sisters; some still sleeping, restlessly, I bet, trying to fight an internal clock nudging them to break slumber. I just opened my eyes, sat up straight and stared out the window. I should be working today.

The Minute After

Why do I feel like I can't win? Did I already lose, and not know it. I said I was done this morning; this evening, I lose, again. I have no resilience, no self confidence.

And Chili's ribs suck. How dare they put Memphis' name on such a travesty.

Where am I? I had so much to say, and I don't want to start a whole other blog just for my NBC-kumu thing. So I'll start here.

A few days ago, I received my Take One! box-o-stuff-to-make-you-a-great-teacher-and-secure-your-employment, maybe. It was pretty impressive--I can't lie. And I kind of lugged the thing around da island with a faint sense of...accomplishment. Haven't done anything yet, but I feel that taking that first step (and $400 later) was pretty huge and kind of crazy. And I'm kind of proud of it.