On one hand, I really want this portfolio to show off what I do well. I want it to highlight what I do competently. I am secretly worried, I guess secretly hope that I could do this without video, or at least without my skin on. I wish I could know who's going to watch this so I could call them out on their bias when I see the twitch in their brow. Because, yes, I realize I'm harsh to I. K. because he's Black and he responds to stern words. I see it when I speak quickly and matter-of-factly and a secret smile forms between his cheeks. I don't want my behavior to be viewed negatively based on somebody else's bias!
I digress.
But on one hand, I want to use my 5/6 class, the most motivated and engaged bunch of them all. I can do fun, exciting things with them and they are always there to challenge me. To make me stop and think when I don't have it quite right. And I love that, and I think that really shows my strengths as an educator---well, at least a facilitator.
But on the other hand, I wonder if my 7/8 class would benefit more from a more concentrated look at my practice with them. They are by far the lowest-performing class. And I sort of feel that it's my fault. That I just sort of give up on them. That when I get to the end of the day, all my energy and original thought is just gone, and I just sort of slouch through the periods. And so many of them need targeted help and I'm just not organized enough, and don't feel like I'm a good enough teacher to really help them reach our Big Goal.
I don't want to feel guilty, but I don't want to feel like I'm missing out.
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